It's Coming! It's Coming!

Wow...now that I read it back I have to admit that the title of this post is reeeeeeeally begging for a joke.

Sorry for the delay, but I will have my thoughts on the Academy Awards...AS WELL AS THE OFFICIAL WINNER OF THE 2009 "COWSIE" AWARDS...posted up in the next twenty-four hours.

Until then, here's a little something to tide you over:

Bee Gees + Peter Frampton + George Burns + Steve Martin =  PURE TRASHY GOLD!

The 2009 "Cowsie" Awards: My Predictions

You MUST check this out first...it's so douche-chillingly uncomfortable to watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qeygd0qPDM

...and THAT was the production number that almost destroyed the Academy Awards.
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So we're less than eleven hours away from The 2009 "Cowsie" Awards, so I wanted to chime-in with my predictions on who SHOULD WIN and who WILL WIN in the main categories. My predictions are based on what I've seen, reviews from the past year, regional and national film awards and the expert prediction capabilities of cows.


So here we go...


BEST PICTURE


SHOULD WIN/WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire


BEST ACTOR


SHOULD WIN: Mickey Rourke (THE WRESTLER)

WILL WIN: Sean Penn (MILK)


BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR


SHOULD WIN/WILL WIN: Heath Ledger (THE DARK KNIGHT)


BEST ACTRESS


SHOULD WIN: Anne Hathaway (RACHEL GETTING MARRIED)

WILL WIN: Kate Winslet (THE READER)


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS


SHOULD WIN: Marisa Tomei (THE WRESTLER)

WILL WIN: Penelope Cruz (VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA)


BEST DIRECTOR


SHOULD WIN/WILL WIN: Danny Boyle (SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE)


BEST ANIMATED FEATURE


SHOULD WIN/WILL WIN: WALL-E


Do you believe the ceremony will run OVER or UNDER it's scheduled time? By how many minutes?


I predict that the ceremony will run OVER by 5 MINUTES.
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I' ll post my thoughts on the whole thing starting tomorrow. For those of you in the contest...GOOD LUCK!

I'd Like To Volunteer For The "Kick-The-Shit-Out-Of-Chris-Brown" Club!

THIS is how I like to picture Rihanna...not like those pictures that good old douche-bag Harvey Levin and TMZ posted on their site.  Sorry...just don't feel like throwing fuel onto their fire.

You don't beat women.

It's that fucking simple.

I don't give a shit about how you were raised and what you had to "experience."  You beat a woman the way Chris Brown did to Rihanna, then you need to have a baseball bat taken to your knees.

And I don't give a shit if you're black, white, green, red, yellow or any other color of the rainbow. There's no excuse...there's no justification...there's no "she was asking for it."

Because the moment you think that this is "okay" or "no big deal," you're saying that it's okay if it happens to your mom or your sister.

Now let THAT stew around in your brains for awhile...

The New York Post: They Should Ship It In Rolls Like Toilet Paper And Cut Out The Middle Man

So THIS little example of "political cartooning" made its way into The New York Post this morning, created by cartoonist Sean Delonas.  The one thing I will say for the The New York Post: when it comes to being insulting and tasteless, they sure as hell know how to multi-task.

SO LET'S GO TO THE SCORECARDS!!

Racist overtones? CHECK!

Implied violence toward a sitting President and/or members of Congress? CHECK!

Making fun of the killing of animals just because they freak out and don't want to wear train conductor costumes and dance for annoying children? CHECK!

Making fun of an incident where a woman was literally torn apart by an animal? CHECK!

Insinuating that cops are trigger-happy? CHECK!

FINAL SCORE: 5/5 (A+)

I personally find the cartoon pretty stupid and tasteless...but I sure as HELL defend the artist's right to draw it and The New York Post's right to print it.  See, that's the joy of the First Amendment: you have the right to express yourself in whatever bat-shit crazy way you want as long as you don't infringe on the rights of others. Something both ultra-liberals and ultra-conservatives need to understand A LOT more.

I'm Not Sure I Can Put Into Words How This Video Makes Me Feel...

TRANSLATION:

"These images seen from the surveillance cameras show a very common situation with our overpopulated highways. It is normal for us to see dogs run over. In the video, we can see this dog fighting for his life because he was run over by the vehicle.  What is very touching is to see the very heroic actions of this other dog who is trying to pull him to the side of the highway. We are going to keep seeing things like this until we find a solution to the dogs living on the streets."

I don't want to get all AMERICAN BEAUTY on 'ya, but remember that scene when Ricky shows Jane his video of the bag? The way it made him feel? 

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." 

This video has that effect on me...just thought I'd share...

CONFESSIONS OF A SELF-HATING GEEK: "...And The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth!"

So I went to the New York Comic Con this weekend at the Jacob Javits Center, with the intention of writing a hilarious post about all of the freaks and weirdos that we're there...about how they give my hobby a bad name...about how they don't seem to understand the concept of deodorant...about how pathetic it is when they show up out-of-shape and in costume...and I even went armed with a camera to put some evidence up to prove my point. While walking through the main doors and making my way up to the Exhibit Hall, I realized something...

I'm a fucking asshole.

You see, with all of my snarkiness and "better-then-you" attitude I almost lost sight of something really important...but we'll get to that in a second.

What made me realize that I was a "fucking asshole" (or to be more precise, a "fucking condescending, judgemental, holier-than-thou asshole") was a mom pushing her wheelchair-bound son through the aisles...it was the look on that boy's face. He looked like he was around 17-18 years old, and while I'm no doctor I'm willing to say that his condition was severe enough that he pretty much needed supervision. But not on this day...this was HIS day. With a smile so big it looked like it might just leap off of his face, this young man was in...his...element! I made my way over to where they were, by one of the many vintage and back issue comic collectors. As he lost himself in the colorful images adorning the back walls, I said to the mom, "Great convention! Are you guys havin' a good time?" She looked up at me, smiled, and them began telling me about how great this was, how many people were there, how much better it was this year, etc. It was incredibly nice and as we were getting ready to do that "there's-not-much-left-to-say-so-let's-awkwardly-end-this-conversation" mambo, the mom looked down at her son and then back to me. She was still smiling, but I could see that some tears had started to form. With all of the things that went on and all the things I heard this past weekend, it's that last line from her that I still remember:

"I take him to these things because of how they make him feel. Even if it's for one day, he doesn't just think he can walk...he believes he can fly."

And with that, she wiped her eyes, wished me a happy convention and turned her attention back to her son.

...And that's when I came to the "I'm-a-fucking-asshole" epiphany. See, who am I...WHO ARE ANY OF US...to make them feel less about what they love because it doesn't fit some bullshit "adult standard"? It opened my eyes to something I've been guilty of for years: I'm a self-hating geek. I've been collecting comic books for almost 32 years now, probably two-out-of-three of my favorite television shows are genre-related and I still love professional wrestling. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't watch the news or look up at the sky and wish that I had super powers to make the world better. Comic books taught me how to read and saved me from the types of things children shouldn't have to deal with. Television taught me how to act as an adult, and how to treat other people. Who am I to turn my back on my own people?

So now I embrace it...I embrace every smelly Dragonball Z fan, every out-of-shape Wonder Woman, every comic book fan who can tell you the entire Avengers line-up from 1978. These are my people, and their devoted love to their passion should be celebrated...not mocked and scorned. Besides, it's not like we're going anywhere...and our legion continues to grow.

Don't believe me? Guess what President Barack Obama likes? Spider-Man and Conan comic books. Guess what he did when he met Leonard Nimoy? He gave him the Vulcan salute and urged him to, "Live long and prosper." See, "growing up" doesn't mean that you have to grow old. And really, is it any different then people who dress up and paint their face to watch a game or women who try to imitate the ladies on "Sex and the City"? We're all geeks...it's just that some of us prefer a Superman cape while others prefer a pair of Jimmy Choo's.

So the next time some bag-of-dicks starts putting down your love of science fiction, role-playing, comic books, etc., tell them to go frak themselves and suck your taj.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta' check the message boards to see what everyone else thinks about the ending to "Secret Warriors" #1. Nick Fury? Hydra? REALLY?!?

Michael Phelps: A REAL American Hero

When I saw Michael Phelps' name and face all over media over the last couple of days, I thought it had to be because:

(A)  He found a way to win even more gold medals.

(B)  He was apologizing for his awful performance hosting "Saturday Night Live."

(C)  He was stepping down from a potential White House job due to "tax problems."

(D)  He's laying down tracks with Timbaland for a new album droppin' in the fall.

(E)  All of the above.

I could NEVER have expected the horrible truth...

MICHAEL PHELPS TOOK A (sweet) HIT FROM A BONG!!!

I'll give you all a moment to collect yourselves, wipe the tears away, say a prayer...

Notice the sarcasm? Good...

So let me get this straight...a 23-year-old young man who has dedicated his life through years and years of practice and competition to be the best is his field and represent this country proudly in the Olympics...a young man who has earned EIGHT gold medals in 2008...is being crucified because he went to a party at the college where the girls he was seeing at the time was attending and took at least one pull from a bong.

You'll excuse me if I find it just a WEE bit hypocritical that we, as a country, are supposed to condemn a young man for his marijuana use when alcohol, tobacco and prescription drug abuse is running rampant in this country.

A couple of things to consider:

* In 2007, an estimated 12,998 people died in alcohol-impaired traffic crashes involving a driver with an illegal Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) of .08 or greater (constituting 31.7% of the 41,059 total traffic fatalities).1

* In 2007, approximately 19.8% of all U.S. adults (18years of age or older) were cigarette smokers.2

* Every day, an estimated 2,500 youth (12-17) abuse a prescription drug for the very first time.3

Now I'm not going to suddenly turn into one of those "legalize-marijuana-and-the-world-will-be-a-better-place-MAN!" people who can tell you how to make a tampon out of hemp, and I'm not here to say that alcohol and tobacco should be criminalized.  I think I'm just tired....tired of all the bullshit "holier-than-thou" attitude we have toward certain things.  See, we as a society like to say one thing and do another...it's the old "do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do" mindset that's been around since our Founding Fathers first invented the airplane and The Wright Brothers dumped tea in Boston Harbor.  You know what I'm talking about and you may not even realize it.  Porn is a BILLION dollar industry, yet no one seems to watch it.  We give an R rating to a movie with naked boobs, but a PG-13 rating to movie in which a guy spends the entire film trying to kill (in scary, horrific ways) a teenage babysitter...AND THE KIDS SHE'S BABYSITTING!  The Super Bowl is sponsored by beer companies, and drug companies plug their shit on TV like they were selling breakfast cereal or the ShamWow.  

In this case, we crucify a young man for BEING a young man.  He smokes pot...he goes to strip clubs...he messes around with women.  Is this what a "role model" would do?  YES!

If parents are going to let athletes and other celebrities be "role models" then they best be prepared to do a lot of explaining.  We live in a world where EVERYTHING has a camera in it...the days of personal privacy are definitely over.  Does that mean he doesn't deserve a private life? If he's fucking some girl in the pool with a beer in one hand and bong in the other, then I think we have a problem.  If not...just leave him alone.  Let him be a young man who enjoys life and all the experiences that come with it...good and bad.  Let's stop putting people up on pedestals just so we can enjoy knocking their asses down.  Your kids should admire Phelps for the hard work and commitment he has shown his sport, and the incredible amount of sportsmanship he's shown to others.  But he gets to have a life...he's earned it.

Now stop bogartin' and pass that shit over...

(1)  National Highway Traffic Safety Administration

(2)  National Cancer Institute

(3)  Office of National Drug Control Policy 

For My Dad...

I know that Ray was sitting up there somewhere...in his recliner that he only reclined in when the leg pain became too much...with a bag of those jellied Orange Slices on his lap...with some root beer and a bag of radishes (with salt shaker and old paring knife, of course) on his side table...yelling, "Nail 'em to the cross!" as I sat on the floor next to him, alternating stares between my hero and the game.

Those times remind me of a great line from Hemingway's "Indian Camp":

"In the early morning on the lake sitting in the stern of the boat with his father rowing, he felt quite sure that he would never die."