Tuesday, March 31, 2009


From the home office in Twin Peaks, Washington...

Is GONE WITH THE WIND really a better movie than TITANIC?
Were teenagers more willing to be activists in the '60's than they are today?
Is Lil Wayne a better artist than Jim Morrison?

Why do so many of us reach a point in our lives where anything new CAN'T be as good as the things we remember?  Are we being honest with ourselves, or do we get lost in a sea of nostalgia?  

When does "growing up" become "getting old"?


Friday, March 27, 2009

WORDLE: Proving That Even Bad Jokes And Crazy Rants Can Look Like Art

Wordle: A Discussion of Women

This was something I stumbled across while watching CNN after President Obama's press conference earlier this week, so I have Anderson Cooper to thank/blame for my sudden obsession with this.

WORDLE lets you take a bunch of text (random words, quotations, speeches, etc.) and create artwork out of the words.  You can customize it to look the way you want, and then save it for public display or (as I did with my post of women) add it to your site.

For a larger version of the picture above, just click on the picture.  To put something together yourself, go to:  WORDLE (c)Jonathan Feinberg

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Pretty Soon, They'll Expect You To Drive The Bus Yourself...AND PAY DOUBLE FOR IT!

I'm apologizing right from the start to my readers who do not live, travel or have anything to do with New York're gonna' have to be a little patient with me on this one.

So the Metro Transit Authority (MTA) has basically been running their business for shit over the last fuck load of years, and just like all of the corporate douche bags out know, the ones who want to blame the economic crisis on "people getting into mortgages they can't afford" (I'm looking right at you, Rick Santelli, you pompous, irresponsible cunt)...but then turn around with their hands out acting as if they haven't spent YEARS wasting money faster than a 16-year-old with premature ejaculation problems at the Bunny Ranch with a unused black American Express Card (think about it...think about it...).  See, they've all set themselves up as being "too big to fail" but that's for another posting...

The beauty of the MTA is's responsible for the public mass transit system in New York City so it's not like it can just close up shop.  So they get to be rescued time and time and time and time again.  What's different this time? They want to raise the fairs and cut services...a lot.

How big of an increase? Try 25%-30%.
What does that mean? Putting it into perspective on the level of a basic subway ride, your cost is going up from $2.00 to $2.50.  Your monthly MetroCard? Forget that $81 you were's gonna' cost you $103.

So what is the MTA doing about it? Waiting for Albany to rescue them.  What's Albany doing? Living up to its reputation of being one of the most fucked-up legislative bodies in the country...and that's a helluva' title to hold when you look at what's been in the papers over the last twelve months.  And all of this is wrapped-up in a cute little bow by our "Governor" Paterson, a man who exhibits a blindness in leadership that has nothing to do with his ability to see but everything to do with his inability to have a vision...for the state and its citizens.

So what can you do? It doesn't matter if you live, work, vacation, visit (or all of the above)...GET PISSED!  GET ANGRY! LET THEM KNOW THAT THIS OLD, CORRUPT SYSTEM HAS TO BE TAKEN OUT TO PASTURE AND PUT DOWN WITH ALL OF THE MALICE AND DISGUST THAT WE CAN MUSTER!  We voted for change in let's start being that instrument for change.  Here's who you need to contact:

DEAN SKELOS (R-Nassau County)
Senate Minority Leader

Senate Majority Leader

CARL KRUGER (D-Brooklyn)
Senate Finance Committee Chairman

Assembly Speaker

DAVID PATERSON (Governor of New York State)
To e-mail: go to and click on "Contact The Governor"

To find out contact information for other representatives, check out the following links:

We thank you for your time, and we will return you shortly to your regularly scheduled dose of tasteless jokes, rants and overall nonsense.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

"A fickle and changeful thing is a woman ever."

I know it was some time ago that I "promised" a posting dealing with women, just to show my brethren in The Order of the Penis that I can be an equal-opportunity offender.  Since we're in the middle of Women's History Month, I thought now would be as good a time as any to turn the conversation toward the "fairer sex" (sorry...I couldn't think of a more antiquated and outdated expression to use). So what I want to do is put out there some thoughts, some observations, some questions...both open and rhetorical...and see where this all can take us.

Let me begin with a little background...

I love women.

I don't mean that in some sleazy, Rico Suave-type of way.  I love women because they are so different from men, and it's those differences that really fascinate me.  I know that may not be some profound revelation...what with that whole "men-are-from-Uranus-and-women-are-from-Cleavland" touch-feely bullshit from years ago...but I definitely think it's worth examining.  I grew up with five older sisters and a stay-at-home Mom, so being around women my entire life kinda' "indoctrinated" me into what to expect...from bloody tampons in toilets and trying to hide that first cigarette from my folks to "gentlemen suitors" coming by the house and those moments when I watched my Dad grow just a little bit older as each of his "little girls" left the house for good.  It's all of these moments...and oh-so-many more...that helped me to become a better man now that I'm older.  Women are not the "weaker sex" that need to be coddled and protected from all of the "Big Bads" in the world, and should be treated as complete, 100% equals in any and all aspects of life.

Having said that...I'd be lying if I said that there weren't some fucked-up things out there that I just don't get about you ladies so I'm hoping from some insight from "both sides of the aisle," so to speak...

*Take a second and look at the two pictures above.  I'll wait...

This is Lindsay Lohan, and I wanted to use these two pictures to demonstrate a "truth":


Don't believe me? Just take a look at what's going on in the magazine business.  For YEARS, Maxim owned the monthly sales charts because they would feature a wide selection of diverse women who looked great AND looked like they had a meal every now and then.  Once they decided to shift to a more "fashion magazine" style (with a shift in the models used), their sales took a hit from long-term readers.  Now in the United States, you've got Maxim and Playboy with poor sales and Stuff, FHM and other magazines discarded on the scrap heap.  The men's magazine's doing well? Smooth and King.  Why? Because every month, they feature a vast cornucopia of multicultural goodness in ALL shapes and sizes.  Yet somehow this "urban legend" still continues...

Lindsay Lohan...Katherine Heigl...Jessica Biel.  Three famous women who began their careers curvy and beautiful, but who fell victim to THE CONSPIRACY.  What's "The Conspiracy," you ask? Well, simply put, it's...

(It's in code...I don't want The Illuminati coming after me!)

There's nothing sexier than a confident woman...regardless of her size or shape.  It reminds me of a Chris Rock joke I heard one time about the difference between overweight white and black women.  A black woman will go out with a hot outfit, full accessories and an attitude of "You'd-Be-Lucky-To-Fuck-Me-Tonight" while a white woman will buy the first shapeless dress that will fit her and sit in the back of the room drowning her sorrows in Ho-Ho's.  Ladies, when you meet another woman on the street you need to stop automatically viewing her as the enemy. There is strength in numbers, but women will not continue to keep moving forward if this "vagina-on-vagina violence" continues.

*PLEASE stop using sex as some kind of thing to barter with, like it's the 1200's and you're willing to trade your hoo-hah for some magic beans and a goat.  That "he'll-only-get-this-if-he-does-that" approach only works because men are a lot more decent then sometimes they're made out to be.  If we weren't, we'd take you up on that dare and find someone who'll put out for a WHOLE helluva' lot less...probably your best friend!  

And since we're here, let me let you in on something else:

If you exchange sex for're a prostitute.

If you exchange sex for going out to dinner or getting the lawn're a cheap prostitute.

If you exchange the POSSIBILITY of sex (even though you know it won't happen) for free drinks, dinner, movies,'re a cheap prostitute who's also a cock tease (depending on your preference).

If you have sex because you enjoy having a healthy sex're human.

While some women find that "empowering" and blame the man for being "too stupid," what it also does is change that man inside so that when he goes out the next time he's a bit more defensive...maybe even a little more cynical in a "I'm-gonna'-do-what-I-need-to-do-to-get-mine" kind of way.  Sometimes we're so caught up in this need to come out on top that we forget the "scorched-earth" attitude our actions can leave behind in someone else.

*Please stop using the phrase "bad boy," and PLEASE stop with this douchey belief that somehow your love is the answer to a question that he really has no intention of asking.  A guy who drives a motorcycle, smokes pot and blows-off your dates because he's "so close" to beating the high score on Super Mario Kart is not going to change...even if he tells you he will and even goes through the motions as if he has.  I hear women say that it's "dangerous" and "arousing" messing around with a "b** b**" (I told you I won't use the phrase), and that's great! Get yours, sister! Just spare us the whole "all men are dogs" bullshit when...not if...things fall apart.

*I believe in 100% equality between men and women, but it does beg a few questions:

(1)  When we say equality, are we talking FULL equality? A woman can propose to a man?  Men should no longer feel it necessary to open a door or give up a seat for a woman? "Dutch treat" or woman pays on the first date?  Do women's tennis matches move to being "best-of-five"?

(2)  Are we in a position as a society to say that there are some things biologically that men are better at and other things that women are better at?

*Ladies, you HAVE to pick a stereotype for us and stick with it.  We can't be "brainless dogs-led-around-by-our-dicks" and "shady-dogs-using-every-trick-in-the-book-to-get-some-ass." We can't be brain-dead and a super villain at the same time, so please choose and get back to us.

*I keep hearing about how we should have a woman in The White House and in higher leadership offices, and I completely agree.  The problem is that you need to find a candidate that you would actually be willing to support.  I know that President Obama wouldn't have won the Presidency without support from a cross-section of the population...but somewhere between 95%-96% of African Americans who voted in the 2008 elections voted for him.  We can argue whether or not high percentages like that are a "good thing" and what they may signal but one thing's for DAMN sure: this is a perfect example of a group throwing their support behind someone who is qualified AND who visually represents them.

*If you ask us questions, we're going to give you answers.  If you don't like the answers, then don't set us up with the questions.

YES...there's a damn good chance your ass looks lousy in those pants.
YES...eating that ice cream will cause you to gain weight.
YES...your best friend is a whiner going through self-inflicted drama.'s important to watch certain games live and...'s not the same watching it on the DVR five hours later.

*I watched my Dad go through this several times in one form or another, and as someone who hopes to spawn at some point before he shuffles off this mortal coil I'd like all of the ladies out there reading this to know one thing:  THERE IS NOTHING MORE HEART-WRENCHING FOR A FATHER THEN WHEN HIS DAUGHTER SAYS OR DOES SOMETHING THAT BRINGS HOME TO HIM THE REALITY THAT SHE ISN'T HIS "LITTLE GIRL" ANYMORE.  It's things like that that can drive a man to get hair plugs, buy an Astin Martin and get a twenty-year-old girlfriend by the time they're forty-five.

I'm going to leave things there for now, though I have this feeling in my gut (or maybe it's my testicles...I should get that checked) that there's going to be a "Part II" to this.  So let me know what you think, and don't forget that there are a few ways for you to comment:

TWITTER:  deliciouscows
FACEBOOK GROUP:  ...Because Cows Make Delicious!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Twitter...

So these posts take a helluva' lot longer to write sometimes then you could ever imagine (who knew writing about women would take this damn long?!?), so I figured I'd drag the cows into the modern age.  Ladies and gentlemen (cue the drumroll)...


It's's active...and it's waiting for you to submit to its will...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

For The Love Of Odie...

Above all else...the best "best friend" any man would be lucky to have. ;-)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's Killing Me! IT'S KILLING ME!!

I've been going through a week from HELL, so I haven't been tending to the cows as much as I'd like and they're starting to get a little pissed.  I'll be posting some more "thought-provoking" items between now and the end of the weekend, but until then please treat yourself to one of the most enjoyable pleasures one could ever have in life...


Monday, March 2, 2009

RAY'S RANTS: This...That...The Other Thing

Wow! It feels great to be back...full of piss-n-vinegar and ready to kick the tires and light some fires!

In the immortal words of the Dave Matthews Band, "So much to much to say..."

THIS! So it's been a little over a week since the Oscars, and I have to was pretty damn good. It was interesting to have an actor host after years of comedians, and I think Hugh Jackman pulled it off. A couple of questions, though...

* many ORIGINAL musicals is Hollywood actually making?
*  Who expected Styx to get a shout-out during the Oscars?
*  Come on...aren't you a little disappointed Mickey Rourke didn't get a chance to get on a live mic?
*  If you're a Best Supporting Actor Nominee this year, how soon in did you know that you weren't going to win against Heath Ledger?
*  Where the FUCK was Jack Nicholson?!?


Congratulations lizka9! A one-of-a-kind ...BECAUSE COWS MAKE DELICIOUS! souvenir prize is on its way! Thanks to everyone to who submitted...we'll be having another contest coming soon.

THE OTHER THING! For those of you who've been asking, I feel that NOW it can be told...


THIS! Was Gov. Bobby Jindal the "best" minority Republican the GOP could put out there against President Obama (God, I love saying that!), or was he the "sacrificial lamb" for the Grand 'Ol Party? Either way, this video should be shown at colleges and universities across the country on how NOT to speak in public:

THAT! For my "Friends of the 4:20" out there...oh, how the times are changin'!

THE OTHER THING! So let me see if I get this straight: on NBC in the fall, we have:

10:00pm: Jay Leno
11:00pm: LOCAL NEWS
11:30pm-ish: Conan O'Brien
12:30am-ish: Jimmy Fallon
1:30am-ish: Carson Daly

As a white guy, I think I have the right to ask: Isn't that a shitload of white guys to watch in one night, and then five nights a week? Seriously, can we stir-up the pot just a little bit? Maybe someone could give Chelsea Handler a call?  Though I have to give SERIOUS props to Jimmy Fallon...damn good first night even with that tool Robert Deniro (Boy, movies like RIGHTEOUS KILL start to make you forget that this guy was in THE GODFATHER, PART II).

THIS!  Q:  What do these three men have in common?

Here's a clue...
The first guy is Michael Steele...Chariman of the RNC.
The second guy in Bobby Jindal...Governor of Louisiana
The third guy is Rush Limbaugh...Conservative radio talk show host.

A:  The first guy represents a current leader in the Republican Party...the second guy represents the "future" of the Republican Party...and the third guy is a hypocritical, douchebag blowhard who has been spending the last couple of months having his salad tossed by the first two guys...and any other Republican who "dares" challenge his authority.  Yeah...that's the way to show that you've got your finger on the pulse of what the American people need.  BUT IF YOU'RE A MINORITY GROUP THAT FEELS ABANDONED BY THE REPUBLICAN PARTY...STOP YOUR WORRYING BECAUSE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS GOING TO WIN YOU BACK WITH...a...ummmm....public relations campaign?!?

"We need messengers to really capture that region -- young, Hispanic, black, a cross section ... We want to convey that the modern-day GOP looks like the conservative party that stands on principles. But we want to apply them to urban-suburban hip-hop settings."  RNC Chair Michael Steele (Washington Times)

THAT!  Just so my head's clear here...abortion is "murder" and goes "against God's plan" but THIS is okay?!?

I know we're not supposed to question "God" or pretend to know what "His/Her/Its" intentions are, but I've GOT to think that somewhere upstairs (The North Pole?) "God's" looking at this and going, "Jesus Christ, can't these fuckers get at least ONE thing of mine right?!?"

THE OTHER THING!  I'm gonna' go on record and say it...I'm a HUGE Lady GaGa fan.  I'm not sure how it happened, but I can't get her shit out of my head!

I was going to write some lame joke about being "Coo-Coo for GaGa" but after seeing it in print I decided instead to punch myself repeatedly in the face until the bad thoughts went away...