I know it was some time ago that I "promised" a posting dealing with women, just to show my brethren in The Order of the Penis that I can be an equal-opportunity offender. Since we're in the middle of Women's History Month, I thought now would be as good a time as any to turn the conversation toward the "fairer sex" (sorry...I couldn't think of a more antiquated and outdated expression to use). So what I want to do is put out there some thoughts, some observations, some questions...both open and rhetorical...and see where this all can take us.
Let me begin with a little background...
I love women.
I don't mean that in some sleazy, Rico Suave-type of way. I love women because they are so different from men, and it's those differences that really fascinate me. I know that may not be some profound revelation...what with that whole "men-are-from-Uranus-and-women-are-from-Cleavland" touch-feely bullshit from years ago...but I definitely think it's worth examining. I grew up with five older sisters and a stay-at-home Mom, so being around women my entire life kinda' "indoctrinated" me into what to expect...from bloody tampons in toilets and trying to hide that first cigarette from my folks to "gentlemen suitors" coming by the house and those moments when I watched my Dad grow just a little bit older as each of his "little girls" left the house for good. It's all of these moments...and oh-so-many more...that helped me to become a better man now that I'm older. Women are not the "weaker sex" that need to be coddled and protected from all of the "Big Bads" in the world, and should be treated as complete, 100% equals in any and all aspects of life.
Having said that...I'd be lying if I said that there weren't some fucked-up things out there that I just don't get about you ladies so I'm hoping from some insight from "both sides of the aisle," so to speak...
*Take a second and look at the two pictures above. I'll wait...
This is Lindsay Lohan, and I wanted to use these two pictures to demonstrate a "truth":
THE VAST MAJORITY OF MEN OUT THERE LIKE WOMEN WITH CURVES!!
Don't believe me? Just take a look at what's going on in the magazine business. For YEARS, Maxim owned the monthly sales charts because they would feature a wide selection of diverse women who looked great AND looked like they had a meal every now and then. Once they decided to shift to a more "fashion magazine" style (with a shift in the models used), their sales took a hit from long-term readers. Now in the United States, you've got Maxim and Playboy with poor sales and Stuff, FHM and other magazines discarded on the scrap heap. The men's magazine's doing well? Smooth and King. Why? Because every month, they feature a vast cornucopia of multicultural goodness in ALL shapes and sizes. Yet somehow this "urban legend" still continues...
Lindsay Lohan...Katherine Heigl...Jessica Biel. Three famous women who began their careers curvy and beautiful, but who fell victim to THE CONSPIRACY. What's "The Conspiracy," you ask? Well, simply put, it's...
AVASTCONSPIRACYBEINGPERPETRATEDBYMILITANTWOMEN'SANDGAYFASHION
DESIGNER'SGROUPSASAWAYFORTHEMTOFEELBETTERABOUTTHEMSELVESBY
TEARINGDOWNWOMENWHOREMINDTHEMOFTHEIROWNINADEQUECIES.
(It's in code...I don't want The Illuminati coming after me!)
There's nothing sexier than a confident woman...regardless of her size or shape. It reminds me of a Chris Rock joke I heard one time about the difference between overweight white and black women. A black woman will go out with a hot outfit, full accessories and an attitude of "You'd-Be-Lucky-To-Fuck-Me-Tonight" while a white woman will buy the first shapeless dress that will fit her and sit in the back of the room drowning her sorrows in Ho-Ho's. Ladies, when you meet another woman on the street you need to stop automatically viewing her as the enemy. There is strength in numbers, but women will not continue to keep moving forward if this "vagina-on-vagina violence" continues.
*PLEASE stop using sex as some kind of thing to barter with, like it's the 1200's and you're willing to trade your hoo-hah for some magic beans and a goat. That "he'll-only-get-this-if-he-does-that" approach only works because men are a lot more decent then sometimes they're made out to be. If we weren't, we'd take you up on that dare and find someone who'll put out for a WHOLE helluva' lot less...probably your best friend!
And since we're here, let me let you in on something else:
If you exchange sex for money...you're a prostitute.
If you exchange sex for going out to dinner or getting the lawn mowed...you're a cheap prostitute.
If you exchange the POSSIBILITY of sex (even though you know it won't happen) for free drinks, dinner, movies, etc...you're a cheap prostitute who's also a cock tease (depending on your preference).
If you have sex because you enjoy having a healthy sex life...you're human.
While some women find that "empowering" and blame the man for being "too stupid," what it also does is change that man inside so that when he goes out the next time he's a bit more defensive...maybe even a little more cynical in a "I'm-gonna'-do-what-I-need-to-do-to-get-mine" kind of way. Sometimes we're so caught up in this need to come out on top that we forget the "scorched-earth" attitude our actions can leave behind in someone else.
*Please stop using the phrase "bad boy," and PLEASE stop with this douchey belief that somehow your love is the answer to a question that he really has no intention of asking. A guy who drives a motorcycle, smokes pot and blows-off your dates because he's "so close" to beating the high score on Super Mario Kart is not going to change...even if he tells you he will and even goes through the motions as if he has. I hear women say that it's "dangerous" and "arousing" messing around with a "b** b**" (I told you I won't use the phrase), and that's great! Get yours, sister! Just spare us the whole "all men are dogs" bullshit when...not if...things fall apart.
*I believe in 100% equality between men and women, but it does beg a few questions:
(1) When we say equality, are we talking FULL equality? A woman can propose to a man? Men should no longer feel it necessary to open a door or give up a seat for a woman? "Dutch treat" or woman pays on the first date? Do women's tennis matches move to being "best-of-five"?
(2) Are we in a position as a society to say that there are some things biologically that men are better at and other things that women are better at?
*Ladies, you HAVE to pick a stereotype for us and stick with it. We can't be "brainless dogs-led-around-by-our-dicks" and "shady-dogs-using-every-trick-in-the-book-to-get-some-ass." We can't be brain-dead and a super villain at the same time, so please choose and get back to us.
*I keep hearing about how we should have a woman in The White House and in higher leadership offices, and I completely agree. The problem is that you need to find a candidate that you would actually be willing to support. I know that President Obama wouldn't have won the Presidency without support from a cross-section of the population...but somewhere between 95%-96% of African Americans who voted in the 2008 elections voted for him. We can argue whether or not high percentages like that are a "good thing" and what they may signal but one thing's for DAMN sure: this is a perfect example of a group throwing their support behind someone who is qualified AND who visually represents them.
*If you ask us questions, we're going to give you answers. If you don't like the answers, then don't set us up with the questions.
YES...there's a damn good chance your ass looks lousy in those pants.
YES...eating that ice cream will cause you to gain weight.
YES...your best friend is a whiner going through self-inflicted drama.
YES...it's important to watch certain games live and...
NO...it's not the same watching it on the DVR five hours later.
*I watched my Dad go through this several times in one form or another, and as someone who hopes to spawn at some point before he shuffles off this mortal coil I'd like all of the ladies out there reading this to know one thing: THERE IS NOTHING MORE HEART-WRENCHING FOR A FATHER THEN WHEN HIS DAUGHTER SAYS OR DOES SOMETHING THAT BRINGS HOME TO HIM THE REALITY THAT SHE ISN'T HIS "LITTLE GIRL" ANYMORE. It's things like that that can drive a man to get hair plugs, buy an Astin Martin and get a twenty-year-old girlfriend by the time they're forty-five.
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I'm going to leave things there for now, though I have this feeling in my gut (or maybe it's my testicles...I should get that checked) that there's going to be a "Part II" to this. So let me know what you think, and don't forget that there are a few ways for you to comment:
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