COW CONTEST: The 82nd Annual "...Because Cows Make Delicious!" Awards

In honor of the eighty-second year of its existence, you're going to have a chance to have your say in who should walk away with "The Cowsie."

For those of you who don't know, "The Cowsie" was actually given out to those who achieved excellence in film one year prior to The Academy of Arts and Sciences giving out their so-called "Oscars."  It's gotten to the point where THEY even announce THEIR nominations the same day that we do, and THEY even hold THEIR awards ceremony the same day we do.  Granted, our ceremony's probably going to take place out by the dumpsters of a twenty-four-hour Wawa (oooooooh...raspberry iced tea)...BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!

So here's where you come in...

Listed below are the nominees in seven (7) "Cowsie" categories, as well as a tie-breaker question. Make your selections, send them to me and the winning entry will get something of "value" I've got laying around here.

Wait...I mean, "YOU'LL WIN A WONDERFUL PRIZE OF CONSIDERABLE VALUE!"

THE 2009 "COWSIE" AWARDS

BEST PICTURE

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Frost/Nixon

Milk

The Reader

Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ACTOR

Richard Jenkins (THE VISITOR)

Frank Langella (FROST/NIXON)

Sean Penn (MILK)

Brad Pitt (THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON)

Mickey Rourke (THE WRESTLER)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Josh Brolin (MILK)

Robert Downey, Jr. (TROPIC THUNDER)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (DOUBT)

Heath Ledger (THE DARK KNIGHT)

Michael Shannon (REVOLUTIONARY ROAD)

BEST ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway (RACHEL GETTING MARRIED)

Angelina Jolie (CHANGELING)

Melissa Leo (FROZEN RIVER)

Meryl Streep (DOUBT)

Kate Winslet (THE READER)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams (DOUBT)

Penelope Cruz (VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA)

Viola Davis (DOUBT)

Taraji P. Henson (THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON)

Marisa Tomei (THE WRESTLER)

BEST DIRECTOR

David Fincher (THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON)

Ron Howard (FROST/NIXON)

Gus Van Sant (MILK)

Stephen Daldry (THE READER)

Danny Boyle (SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE)

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

Bolt

Kung-Fu Panda

WALL-E

TIE-BREAKER QUESTION

Do you believe that the ceremony will run OVER or UNDER it's scheduled time?

By how many minutes?

The Fine Print

*You can submit your selections by e-mailing me at:  becausecowsmakedelicious@gmail.com

*Selections must be received NO LATER than 11:59:59PM on Saturday, February 21, 2009.

*In regards to the tie-breaker, a winner will be declared based on whose time came closest to the official end time.  If there is a further tie after that (ex: someone said it would end four minutes early and someone said it would end four minutes late), then we're going to PRICE IS RIGHT rules and awarding the win to the person who came closest without going over.  Sorry...I don't have a little mechanical mountain climber yodeling his way up a mountain for added effect.

*Winner will be posted and notified the week of February 22, 2009.

Our New National Pastime: PISSING ON PARADES!

I'm not sure when it started, but apparently we have a new "national pastime" and it's not baseball, prostitution, downloading stuff illegally or shoving food down our throats to a point where a Rascal Scooter will become the "must have" item in every garage.  Personally, I'm counting the days until they have the tricked out one with rims and hydraulics...BUT I DIGRESS...

No...it seems like our new obsession is "pissing on parades."

Obviously I don't mean that literally...though there have been a couple of times I've wanted to let loose with some "yellow discipline" on a couple of those REALLY bad lip syncers during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I'm talking about those who spend their days just shitting on everyone else's hard work; the douches who will try to find a MILLION reasons why something won't work...BUT OFFER NO IDEAS OR SUGGESTIONS OF THEIR OWN!  I'm not talking constructive criticism...it's more like DESTRUCTIVE criticism.

So from this point forward, when you're in a situation where you're busting your ass and trying to make things better and someone comes up to you with their smug "expertise" to tell you all the ways your ideas won't work and how things will always suck, I want you to do this:

(1)  Motion them to come over to you.

(2)  Ask them to lean in so you can whisper in their ear.

(3)  In the softest, most pleasant voice possible, say, "Fuck off and die."

(4)  Repeat Steps 1-3 (if necessary)

I see this becoming a movement...a new day as we embrace the ideal that we are all truly powerful beyond measure.  Repeat after me...

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, I WILL NOT BE SOMEONE WHO PISSES ON OTHER PEOPLE'S PARADES!  I WON'T OPEN MY MOUTH AND CRITICIZE ANYTHING UNLESS I'VE GOT SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE TO BRING TO THE TABLE!  I AM NOT A DOUCHE...BUT IF I SHOULD BECOME ONE THEN I FULLY EXPECT AND INTEND TO MEET MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FUCK OFF AND DIE! EMBRACE THE COW...BE THE COW!

I can already feel the cult growing as we speak...

(Photograph Copyright: Colin Thomas)

For Those Of You Who've Been Asking...

...my next "big subject" posting will be arriving on this very site next week so please feel free to enjoy the random and bizarre updates that you'll find on here until then.

I also want to take a second and thank all of you who took the time to comment (whether on the blog site itself, through Facebook or via e-mail) on my "Real Men Versus 'Real Men'" post.  A lot of great feedback...definitely some interesting perspectives.

As for the next topic? Well, I think the picture above might give you a hint...

Ladies...time to start getting into "comment mode."

When The Time Comes For Me To Finally Have My Own TV Station...

...this man...this Lord of the Dance...will have his time and place to shine.

Women want him...men want to BE him.

Greatest...entertainer...EVER!

Barack Hussein Obama and Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr....OUR President and Vice-President of the United States of America!

There are a lot of problems facing this country in 2009...both domestic and abroad.  My thoughts and prayers go out to President Obama and Vice-President Biden for the work we ALL have ahead of us.  Let's just make sure to be patience and give them the time they need to get things done...this mess wasn't created over night (*COUGH* *COUGH* ...eight years... *COUGH* *COUGH*) but we have the ability in each of us to be "powerful beyond measure."

Now More Than Ever...

Terrorist attacks...blackouts...near-catastrophes...

She rises to the challenge time and time again.

God, I love this city...

Being A Real Man VS. Being A "Real Man"

I’ve gotten to a point when I’m starting to get a lot more…let me find the right word here…SELF-REFLECTIVE about life in general.  The realization that you’ve now officially begun the second-half of your “life expectancy” has a nasty habit of knocking you on your ass in that way.  One of the things that I’ve always found interesting is this idea of “being a man.”  You see, from the time we’re yanked out of momma covered in what looks like a cross between wet Silly String, a Cherry Slurpee and chewed-up Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum up until it’s time for us to shuffle-off this mortal coil, we’re presented with images that are meant to either teach us or remind us of how a “real man” and a “real woman” should be in society.  We are conditioned from the time we’re little to “know our roles:” boys like blue and girls like pink; boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls; boys play sports and girls join the cheerleading squad.  It doesn’t get any better as we get older: guys who sleep with a lot of women are “studs” and women who sleep with a lot of men are “sluts;” guys drink beer and women drink Cosmos (fuckin’ SEX AND THE CITY bullshit); guys spend hours in the garage working on the car and women spend hours shopping for clothes.  Even when I watch TV today, during our “Post-Election-Period-of-Enlightenment” that’s supposed to bring about open, honest and frank discussions about our societal ills, I can’t make it TEN MINUTES without seeing another commercial where the Dad is the lovable dipshit who it seems can’t even keep from shitting himself or killing the pet hamster.  THANK GOD he has an incredibly wise and caring woman in his life (and let’s not forget those adorably precocious kids!) to remind him to breathe on a regular basis.

It made me realize that I’m not a real man…

Let me clarify:  IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT I’M NOT A “REAL MAN”…and I’m more okay with that now than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

See, when I write “real man” what I’m talking about is all of the douche bag, alpha-male horseshit that gets paraded around as being the “foundation of masculinity.”  We spend WAY too much time in our lives being concerned about “fitting in” and living up to other people’s expectations.  Guess what? That person you think is “so special”? THEY’RE JUST AS FUCKED-UP AS YOU, IF NOT MORE!!  If each of us spent less time worrying about what others thought and more time actually making ourselves happy…just IMAGINE the cool shit that could come from that!  Instead, we waste time “living the stereotype” (more on that later) and continue feeding “The Beast.”  For years, I thought that there was something wrong with me.  Was it because I was the only boy growing up with five older sisters? Was it because my Mom raised me while my Dad worked two jobs? Was I forced to watch really bad “chick flick” marathons from my crib? Was I dropped on my head?

Thankfully, I came to realize that all of these things make me who I am and I have no reason to apologize for any of it.  So as a proud man…a man of both style and substance…I stand before you and proudly say:

I don’t give a rat’s ass about tools or cars.  I know the basics, and that’s all I have an interest in knowing.  I couldn’t give two shits about spending hours in a Home Depot or a Pep Boys.  Now if we’re talkin’ a Best Buy or a Staples, then I’m there!

I love getting manicures and pedicures.  I could give you some bullshit reason about working in a business environment and making sure your hands look professional…blah…blah…blah.  I get them because it’s fucking RELAXING!  You ladies have had it too good for too long now, and I know that it’s all part of a scam.  You don’t want us to know how good it feels because you’re afraid we’ll start taking over your appointment times.  And let me tell you: there are FAR worse things in life than having a cute half-Panamanian/half-Puerto Rican girl rubbing and massaging your calves with warm, soapy water.  Guys: if you haven’t treated yourself to one before, then MAN-UP and do it!

I’m a Democrat and mostly liberal.  You know what the beauty is of the whole “conservative/liberal” thing?  You know... the idea that “conservatives are tough and liberals are wimps”?  Two things I’d like to comment on about that: (1) most Conservatives talk a good game when it comes to the rough-and-tough bullshit but usually mope away with their tails between their legs when confronted; and (2) I’m not saying I’m “Mr. Tough Guy” but I’m more than willing to pick up a baseball bat and do what I have to do to defend myself and those I care about…but there’s nothing wrong with trying to diffuse a situation before it gets to that point.

I view buying tampons as being no different than buying a gallon of milk or a frozen pizza.  I don’t get why guys won’t buy them for their women when they need them.  Honestly, do you really believe that the person at checkout thinks they’re for you? To do what? Stick them up your ass?!?  Jesus Christ, you should be PROUD that people think you’re with someone.

I’m going to go slow on this one.  PINK…IS…JUST…A…COLOR!  You can wear a shirt, tie, or whatever and it will NOT make you “less of a man” (whatever the hell that means).  I’ve got a great Pucci tie with pink and light green in it, and the only thing I know is that I look pretty damn smooth in it.  But it goes beyond that.  I know guys who won’t carry something or eat food that’s pink.  Wow…I was going to make a comment about how that says more about their unconscious confusion over their own sexuality and less about the color but I’d like to save it for this…

“If some fag tried to hit on me, I’d kick his ass!”  Really? REALLY?  So let me get this straight: A gay man is attracted to you so he flirts with you, maybe tries to touch your hand or your knee.  Your response? PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!

I’m going to give you a few seconds to think about that…

Ready? Okay, good, because…YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT WHO NEEDS TO GET INTO A STARING CONTEST WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN…AND MY HOPE IS THAT THE SHOTGUN “BLINKS” FIRST!  Sorry to be so blunt, but I’ve reached my limit on the way we continue to accept violence towards the homosexuality community.  I don’t want repeat myself from an earlier post, but what do you think would happen if you replaced “fag” with “nigger,” “spic,” “slant,” or “cracker”?  Me? I’m such an egomaniacal attention-whore that I’ll take flattery from anyone and everyone who’ll give it.  It’s flattering…it makes you feel good…and in this day and age, a little self-confidence isn’t such a bad thing.  There is no “gay hypnotism” that makes straight men have sex with other men.  If you’re reaction to getting hit on by a member of the same sex is to get angry and go violent, then I think you need to take a LOOOOOOOONG look in the mirror…and adjust your mascara while you’re at it…it’s running.

Okay, I’m stepping down from my pulpit because today’s sermon is coming to a close.  Time to take my comic book-loving, pro-wrestling-watching, rollercoaster-hating, tie-loving, at-RADIO-FLYER-crying (just try and not get choked-up at the end when the littlest one takes flight) ass away from here for now to get some things done.  Before I go, I wanted to touch upon the idea of not “living the stereotype.”  Men are as deeply layered and complex as women…we just do a really shitty job of getting that across because we feel that it’ll make us weak.  GROW…THE…FUCK…UP!  Break “The Cycle of Stupidity” that you were raised under…get to know yourself and what YOU like and what YOU want.  Otherwise, you’re just goose-stepping in line along with the rest of them…and aren’t we better than that?

Patience...Patience...

Things have been really crazy around here this week...but a new post will be finding its way here tomorrow.  I PROMISE!!!

THE GREAT DEBATE: Is Christina Hendricks (MAD MEN) the hottest woman on television?

I've heard nothing but great things about the show MAD MEN, but for whatever reason it never made it onto my radar.  One thing that I DO know about the show is that Christina Hendricks is in it; and as television actresses go, it's nice to see a female sex symbol with real feminine curves in all the right places.  At a time when the Katherine Heigels and Jessica Biels are starving themselves to fit some arbitrary bullshit "heroin look" (if you don't believe me, check out Katherine Heigel's first spread for Maxim and Jessica Biel's spread for Gear online), I'm glad to see that Ms. Hendricks and the creators of MAD MEN are going against type.

So what do you think? Am I crazy? Am I right on target?

I want to hear from the ladies out there, too!  LET ME KNOW!!!

(1)  E-MAIL:  becausecowsmakedelicious@gmail.com

(2)  FACEBOOK:  Because Cows Make Delicious (group name)

(3)  Leave a comment at the bottom of this post by clicking "Comment," choose either "Anonymous" or "Name/URL" (you can just type your name and comment and leave the URL area blank).

PLAN 9 FROM NETFLIX!!! Movies You Should Check Out (Horror Edition)

I know most of us are still getting things together for what will hopefully be a pretty decent 2009; so while I'm working on getting things together from this end, I thought I'd pass along a couple of movie recommendations to 'ya. I'm a HUGE movie buff (though movie quotes KILL me), so I'll be doing this from time-to-time with a different genre. So whether you're a Netflix disciple or you still rough it to the "Mom-n-Pop" DVD store like I do, these are definitely worth checking out...

HOME MOVIE

Mother + Father + Disturbingly Fucked-Up Children + Home Video Camera = TRULY SCARY!!

If you don't have kids, it'll make you think twice before having them; if you have kids, then you might want to consider adoption...

SESSION 9

I can't even remember where I first heard about this one, but I'm glad I did. This is one of those "dammit-why-did-I-have-to-catch-this-at-midnight-now-I-have-to-watch-all-of-it-even-though-I-have-to-work-the-next-day" movies that I know I've seen about a hundred times already. Besides, you can't go wrong watching David Caruso in his PCS-PCSI:MSF* Period.

THE LAST BROADCAST

A local cable access show in New Jersey prepares for a live broadcast from the Pine Barrens on a night when they plan to search for The Jersey Devil. Needless to say, things don't go as planned...as this documentary slowly and methodically shows you firsthand. I caught this on IFC a whole bunch of years ago, and it gave me nightmares for days!!!

Anything You Want to Recommend???

Any horror movies you can think of that scared the living shit out of you but didn't get a lot of attention? I'm NOT talking about "Friday the 13th, Part XXXII: Jason Gets An Enema" or "A Nightmare of Elm Street 22: Electric Boogaloo." Let me know...

E-MAIL: becausecowsmakedelicious@gmail.com

FACEBOOK: Because Cows Make Delicious! (group name-look for discussion board topic)

COMMENT: Leave a comment at the bottom of the post (you don't need to sign in)

*PCS-PCSI:MSF Period = Post Career Suicide-Pre CSI:MIAMI Sunglasses Fetish Period