Our New National Pastime: PISSING ON PARADES!

I'm not sure when it started, but apparently we have a new "national pastime" and it's not baseball, prostitution, downloading stuff illegally or shoving food down our throats to a point where a Rascal Scooter will become the "must have" item in every garage.  Personally, I'm counting the days until they have the tricked out one with rims and hydraulics...BUT I DIGRESS...

No...it seems like our new obsession is "pissing on parades."

Obviously I don't mean that literally...though there have been a couple of times I've wanted to let loose with some "yellow discipline" on a couple of those REALLY bad lip syncers during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I'm talking about those who spend their days just shitting on everyone else's hard work; the douches who will try to find a MILLION reasons why something won't work...BUT OFFER NO IDEAS OR SUGGESTIONS OF THEIR OWN!  I'm not talking constructive criticism...it's more like DESTRUCTIVE criticism.

So from this point forward, when you're in a situation where you're busting your ass and trying to make things better and someone comes up to you with their smug "expertise" to tell you all the ways your ideas won't work and how things will always suck, I want you to do this:

(1)  Motion them to come over to you.

(2)  Ask them to lean in so you can whisper in their ear.

(3)  In the softest, most pleasant voice possible, say, "Fuck off and die."

(4)  Repeat Steps 1-3 (if necessary)

I see this becoming a movement...a new day as we embrace the ideal that we are all truly powerful beyond measure.  Repeat after me...

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, I WILL NOT BE SOMEONE WHO PISSES ON OTHER PEOPLE'S PARADES!  I WON'T OPEN MY MOUTH AND CRITICIZE ANYTHING UNLESS I'VE GOT SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE TO BRING TO THE TABLE!  I AM NOT A DOUCHE...BUT IF I SHOULD BECOME ONE THEN I FULLY EXPECT AND INTEND TO MEET MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FUCK OFF AND DIE! EMBRACE THE COW...BE THE COW!

I can already feel the cult growing as we speak...

(Photograph Copyright: Colin Thomas)