"IT'S A (not so) WONDERFUL LIFE": "Bedford Falls" Bailey and The Town That Didn't Give a Shit!

"It's A Wonderful Life" as "seen" through the eyes of Joey Ramone.

Let me begin by saying that I am NOT a Scrooge. I love the holidays...in all of its seasonal affective disorder glory! I love the trees, the decorations...just the overall vibe that, for even just a few days a year, we have the potential to be pretty decent to one another...before we go back to our usual selves.  I can even tolerate...barely...the lovely tourists who frequent my beautiful city by the bucket loads.

The movies and specials? Well...that's a different story...

Now before you start lobbing flaming mistletoe at me and poisoning my eggnog...just hear me out. I'm not trashing Charlie Brown and his beautifully sad little Christmas tree or Ralphie Parker and his Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle (yeah, I knew that by heart...so maybe I've watched the 24-hour marathon on TNT one too many times...).  I'm not even talking about "Miracle on 34th Street," even though I think it's highly overrated and nothing more than a glorified info-merical for Macy's.

No, my friends...the beast I'm tackling today has a name...and its name is, "It's A Wonderful Life" (from this point forward, I'll reference it by listing is as "LIFE").

I used to view LIFE as a sweet movie about a man (George Bailey) who has lost his way and needs a little reminding of how important his place is in the world around him; so with a little "divine guidance" and help from the town, George Bailey realizes that he's truly living a "wonderful life."

CUE: Sounds of angels getting wings

CUE: Sniffles from everyone watching the movie

CUE: The sound of Kleenex being pulled out of boxes

But over the years, I've had a chance to watch the movie over and over again.  Maybe it's because I've watched it WAY too many times.  Maybe it's the way I've come to personally identify with George Bailey.  No matter the reason, I've come to a startling conclusion:

"It's A Wonderful Life" is one of Hollywood's earliest examples of "torture porn" movie making.

I'll give you a second to let that settle in...

I'm not saying that it should be shelved alongside "Hostel II" or "Turistas," because it's not like there are any scenes of George Bailey taking a chainsaw to Potter's legs (though, technically, he wouldn't be able to feel it any way).  What I AM saying is that LIFE is essentially a movie that expects us to sit back and watch as a steady stream of physical and psychological tortures are placed upon a decent man.  Don't believe me? Well, here's my case...

EXAMPLE #1:  NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

So a bunch of kids are playing around on the ice when Harry Bailey (George's brother) falls through, forcing George to save him while sacrificing his hearing in one ear in the process. Where was the adult supervision during all this? Why couldn't any of the other kids help? Later, George stops the local town drunk/pharmacist from accidentally killing another kid through a bogus prescription.  And what sort of thanks does George get for saving the day? THE FUCKING PHARMACIST HIT HIM IN THE EAR...IN HIS BAD EAR, NO LESS!!  So when people talk about the "simpler times," does that also include child abuse? 

EXAMPLE #2:  THE "GUILT" GAME

While you would think that abuse and neglect would be enough to keep George Bailey in line, LIFE goes that extra mile by utilizing "guilt" as skillfully as Paula Dean uses butter.  At every turn, George's hopes and dreams were sacrificed simply because he was a decent human being who gave a shit about others.

Want to travel the world and learn about designing bridges and skyscrapers?

FUCK YOU! You have to wait until Harry finishes high school.

Want to break away from the family business and strike out on your own?

FUCK YOU! The Board of the Bailey Building & Loan Association will sell your family's legacy to The Devil (Mr. Potter) if you don't dump your plans and take over the business.

Want to enjoy a wonderful, well-deserved honeymoon with your wife, Mary?

FUCK YOU! The "wonderful" townspeople of Bedford Falls make a run on the bank, so to keep Potter from gaining control and having the Bailey Building & Loan Association go under you and Mary use your honeymoon money to keep the business afloat.

Reached a point of desperation where you're considering suicide?

FUCK YOU! How DARE you be so selfish?!? You need to suffer, because if you don't then Violet Bick is going to embrace her inner-whore, Bert the Cop will become a poster child for the Rodney King police officers, and Mary will end up a...LIBRARIAN!!!  On top of that (and more), Bedford Falls will never exist...replaced by the aptly-named Pottersville (kind of a cross between NYC in the late '70's and Las Vegas between 2am and 6am).

EXAMPLE #3:  WITH HELP LIKE THIS...

So you've got George Bailey, a man who has sacrificed time and time again for the betterment of his friends, family and local community; a man pushed to the brink of suicide by a corrupt system that he sees no escape from.  So in this moment of need, he receives a "gift." What "gift" would that be? Why, that would be the "gift" of Clarence...THE WORLD'S MOST RETARDED ANGEL!  Christ, with all of the things this man has done don't you think he deserves something better than a 2nd class angel who's only in it to get his wings?!? Fuck...George even has to save Clarence's ass from drowning! Time and time again, Clarence serves as nothing more than another burden for George to bear...AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THANKFUL FOR IT!!

...and PLEASE don't get me started on that fuck-wad Uncle Billy Bailey. Lose $8000? Really? REALLY?

EXAMPLE #4:  THE ENDING

You remember it, don't you? The bank examiners are waiting at George's house to ask him about the missing money when he comes home just chock-full of holiday cheer.  Then the townspeople come in with their donations, and Harry Bailey returns from the war, and Sam Wainwright approves a line of credit, and blah...blah...blah... Here's the thing...if these people could afford to give up that type of money NOW then why did they have to bust George's balls in the first place?!? Seriously, think of it this way...GEORGE BAILEY HAD TO NEARLY KILL HIMSELF TO GET THOSE PEOPLE TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM!!  And yet, we're supposed to admire them for their "selfless" act of donation.  Wow! Talking about setting the bar REALLY low in terms of what is considered "sacrificing for others."

Now THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is how the ending should've gone...

Your thoughts? Leave a comment below, or e-mail me at: becausecowsmakedelicious@gmail.com

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!