Ray's REAL Guide to Visiting NYC

RULE #127: THE VON TRAPP SYNDROME

Coming to visit our fair city? GREAT! 

Looking to do a little shopping and see a show?  AWESOME!

Excited about going to see "The Tree" and take a carriage ride?  INCREDIBLE!

Well, on (seriously unofficial) behalf of NYC let me extend to you my warmest welcome and best wishes for a truly memorable experience.

Wait...what?!? How many people are you bringing?!? Grandma?!? Nieces?!? Cousins?!?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, is when the REALLY big fucking problem starts...

I titled this rule "The Von Trapp Syndrome" in reference to that wonderful scene at the end of "The Sound of Music" when Maria, Captain Von Trapp, Liesl, Friedrich, Dopey, Happy, Little Steven and Tito (sorry, but there were way too many fucking kids to remember them all) are holding hands as they make their way over the mountains and to safety.  It's sweet...it's touching...

...but there's no reason to have to fucking recreate it on the sidewalks of New York City!!!

I'm tired of having to scrape along the side of a building or walk in the street because "Family X" decided to have a family reunion in the middle of a sidewalk that...oh...maybe MILLIONS of people need to use on a regular basis.  Yet it still goes on: mom, dad, daughter, son, grandma, grandpa, cousins, nieces...all holding hands and skipping along without a care in the world.  Who am I? I'm the guy stuck behind them, and let me tell you that the visions dancing around in my head have NOTHING to do with sugar plums.  A chainsaw and a bloody version of "Red Rover, Red Rover" MAYBE...  So do us ALL a favor? Keep everyone in check, and keep things flowin'.

...and now you know, and KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!

...because we all know that Mom and Dad usually have access to some quality shit!

  

Now THIS Is A Christmas Special!

Based on some of the Facebook and e-mail comments that I received regarding my last post about "It's A Wonderful Life," I feel like I have to address a few things:

(1)  I do, in fact, have a soul.

(2)  I do, in fact, have a heart.

(3)  No, I am not a Communist.

(4)  Yes, I do like Christmas.

(5)  HEY! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY MOTHER!!

Don't get me wrong...I have a lot of fond memories of Christmas growing up: running around in footie pajamas; sleeping with my sisters in the living room while my mom finished Christmas cleaning; waiting for all of the food packages to arrive from Swiss Colony; and, most of all...

Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas

For those of you who know it...you know what I'm talking about.

For those of you who don't:

Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a great holiday special.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

"IT'S A (not so) WONDERFUL LIFE": "Bedford Falls" Bailey and The Town That Didn't Give a Shit!

"It's A Wonderful Life" as "seen" through the eyes of Joey Ramone.

Let me begin by saying that I am NOT a Scrooge. I love the holidays...in all of its seasonal affective disorder glory! I love the trees, the decorations...just the overall vibe that, for even just a few days a year, we have the potential to be pretty decent to one another...before we go back to our usual selves.  I can even tolerate...barely...the lovely tourists who frequent my beautiful city by the bucket loads.

The movies and specials? Well...that's a different story...

Now before you start lobbing flaming mistletoe at me and poisoning my eggnog...just hear me out. I'm not trashing Charlie Brown and his beautifully sad little Christmas tree or Ralphie Parker and his Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle (yeah, I knew that by heart...so maybe I've watched the 24-hour marathon on TNT one too many times...).  I'm not even talking about "Miracle on 34th Street," even though I think it's highly overrated and nothing more than a glorified info-merical for Macy's.

No, my friends...the beast I'm tackling today has a name...and its name is, "It's A Wonderful Life" (from this point forward, I'll reference it by listing is as "LIFE").

I used to view LIFE as a sweet movie about a man (George Bailey) who has lost his way and needs a little reminding of how important his place is in the world around him; so with a little "divine guidance" and help from the town, George Bailey realizes that he's truly living a "wonderful life."

CUE: Sounds of angels getting wings

CUE: Sniffles from everyone watching the movie

CUE: The sound of Kleenex being pulled out of boxes

But over the years, I've had a chance to watch the movie over and over again.  Maybe it's because I've watched it WAY too many times.  Maybe it's the way I've come to personally identify with George Bailey.  No matter the reason, I've come to a startling conclusion:

"It's A Wonderful Life" is one of Hollywood's earliest examples of "torture porn" movie making.

I'll give you a second to let that settle in...

I'm not saying that it should be shelved alongside "Hostel II" or "Turistas," because it's not like there are any scenes of George Bailey taking a chainsaw to Potter's legs (though, technically, he wouldn't be able to feel it any way).  What I AM saying is that LIFE is essentially a movie that expects us to sit back and watch as a steady stream of physical and psychological tortures are placed upon a decent man.  Don't believe me? Well, here's my case...

EXAMPLE #1:  NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

So a bunch of kids are playing around on the ice when Harry Bailey (George's brother) falls through, forcing George to save him while sacrificing his hearing in one ear in the process. Where was the adult supervision during all this? Why couldn't any of the other kids help? Later, George stops the local town drunk/pharmacist from accidentally killing another kid through a bogus prescription.  And what sort of thanks does George get for saving the day? THE FUCKING PHARMACIST HIT HIM IN THE EAR...IN HIS BAD EAR, NO LESS!!  So when people talk about the "simpler times," does that also include child abuse? 

EXAMPLE #2:  THE "GUILT" GAME

While you would think that abuse and neglect would be enough to keep George Bailey in line, LIFE goes that extra mile by utilizing "guilt" as skillfully as Paula Dean uses butter.  At every turn, George's hopes and dreams were sacrificed simply because he was a decent human being who gave a shit about others.

Want to travel the world and learn about designing bridges and skyscrapers?

FUCK YOU! You have to wait until Harry finishes high school.

Want to break away from the family business and strike out on your own?

FUCK YOU! The Board of the Bailey Building & Loan Association will sell your family's legacy to The Devil (Mr. Potter) if you don't dump your plans and take over the business.

Want to enjoy a wonderful, well-deserved honeymoon with your wife, Mary?

FUCK YOU! The "wonderful" townspeople of Bedford Falls make a run on the bank, so to keep Potter from gaining control and having the Bailey Building & Loan Association go under you and Mary use your honeymoon money to keep the business afloat.

Reached a point of desperation where you're considering suicide?

FUCK YOU! How DARE you be so selfish?!? You need to suffer, because if you don't then Violet Bick is going to embrace her inner-whore, Bert the Cop will become a poster child for the Rodney King police officers, and Mary will end up a...LIBRARIAN!!!  On top of that (and more), Bedford Falls will never exist...replaced by the aptly-named Pottersville (kind of a cross between NYC in the late '70's and Las Vegas between 2am and 6am).

EXAMPLE #3:  WITH HELP LIKE THIS...

So you've got George Bailey, a man who has sacrificed time and time again for the betterment of his friends, family and local community; a man pushed to the brink of suicide by a corrupt system that he sees no escape from.  So in this moment of need, he receives a "gift." What "gift" would that be? Why, that would be the "gift" of Clarence...THE WORLD'S MOST RETARDED ANGEL!  Christ, with all of the things this man has done don't you think he deserves something better than a 2nd class angel who's only in it to get his wings?!? Fuck...George even has to save Clarence's ass from drowning! Time and time again, Clarence serves as nothing more than another burden for George to bear...AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THANKFUL FOR IT!!

...and PLEASE don't get me started on that fuck-wad Uncle Billy Bailey. Lose $8000? Really? REALLY?

EXAMPLE #4:  THE ENDING

You remember it, don't you? The bank examiners are waiting at George's house to ask him about the missing money when he comes home just chock-full of holiday cheer.  Then the townspeople come in with their donations, and Harry Bailey returns from the war, and Sam Wainwright approves a line of credit, and blah...blah...blah... Here's the thing...if these people could afford to give up that type of money NOW then why did they have to bust George's balls in the first place?!? Seriously, think of it this way...GEORGE BAILEY HAD TO NEARLY KILL HIMSELF TO GET THOSE PEOPLE TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM!!  And yet, we're supposed to admire them for their "selfless" act of donation.  Wow! Talking about setting the bar REALLY low in terms of what is considered "sacrificing for others."

Now THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is how the ending should've gone...

Your thoughts? Leave a comment below, or e-mail me at: becausecowsmakedelicious@gmail.com

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

...oh, man...I finally figured out the COMMENTS thing...I'm so...

I know a number of you have contacted me to let me know that you were having problems posting comments on here, so I finally figured out two...yes, TWO...ways for you to send me your thoughts:

(1) At the bottom of the posting you're interested in commenting on, you'll see a counter that will read something like "2 COMMENTS." It's a hyperlink, so click it and it will send you to the Comments section. On the right, you'll be able to write your comment and then beneath that (under "CHOOSE AN IDENTITY") you select "NAME/URL" (you don't need to have a URL) or "ANONYMOUS" (if you're a pussy!) and then submit.

(2) If you don't want the world (Ah! Delusions of Grandeur!) to see your comments or if you want to send lengthier info, you can e-mail me at: becausecowsmakedelicious@gmail.com

AUSGEZEICHNIT!!

***UPDATE*** What's So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding...and Gay Marriage?

There was a great debate last night on THE DAILY SHOW between Jon Stewart and Mike Huckabee:

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=213349&title=mike-huckabee-pt.-2

What’s So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding…and Gay Marriage?

So I was watching the election results on November 4^th, and for those of you who know me you know that I was just a little excited about the end results…but that’s not what this is about because I’m still too exhausted to get back into THAT arena again. No matter who you rooted for, I think we all can agree that this election cycle was an incredibly historic one especially for women and African-Americans. We’ve come a long way as a nation…

But…

I couldn’t help but notice that there were a couple of states that voted to amend their laws to legally ban gay marriages in their state, with California’s “Proposition 8” being the real lightning rod for media attention. Yes, that’s right…with about 48 of our 50 states in deep economic crisis’s…with unemployment rates shooting through the roof… with foreclosures spreading like a virus…with jobs being this country’s main export…the people stood united against the vile, cancerous cause for all of this hardship: THAT SAME-SEX COUPLES ARE TRYING TO DESTROY THE VERY FABRIC OF REALITY BY GETTING MARRIED!!

Ummmm…huh?

So I started thinking about the issue more and more, and I realized that it ties in directly to how we, as a society, view homosexuality. Now I know you’re probably reading this and saying, “Wow! Now I know what’s going to be on the cover of ‘DUH!’ Magazine this month!” I never said it was some grand epiphany, but it DOES allow me to segue into THIS…

QUESTIONS…LOTS AND LOTS OF QUESTIONS!

● Why are the words "fag," "faggot," and "gay" still considered "okay" to use as negatives in everyday life when "nigger," "spic," "slant," "cracker," "cunt," etc., clearly aren't?

● Does anyone realize that we “green light/red light” homosexuality on a regular basis? You know what I’m talking about…the same guy who spits out, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE,” is the same guy who’ll stay up until 4am watching “Skin-a-max” with his pants down around his ankles while two young ladies explore each other in ways only their gynecologist would appreciate.

● Why is the Bible considered a “legitimate source” in the argument against same-sex marriage? Isn’t this the same Bible that’s been used over the years to justify banning inter-racial dating, equal rights for women, etc.?

● When you can go to Nevada and get married AND divorced within 24 hours, shouldn’t we finally put this whole “marriage is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sacred” thing to rest in this country?

● I know that the separation between The Church and The State was put in place to protect our right to worship from the government, but who’s going to protect us from becoming the very same kind of religion-obsessed nation that we claim we’re fighting around the world? Are we moving toward a playground fight over whose god’s better?

So here’s how I see it: I don’t believe homosexual couples should get married. I don’t believe heterosexual couples should get married. I DON’T THINK ANYONE SHOULD GET MARRIED!!

Let me explain…

If “marriage” is a concept with religious roots, then I say…GIVE IT BACK TO THE CHURCHES!! I have a really big problem with the idea that “marriage” is a religious concept but the government gives out “marriage licenses.” From this point forward, the government should be giving everyone who applies and understands all of the statutes a “civil union license.” You want a marriage certificate? Go to your church and they can give you one.

“But…but…Ray! God wouldn’t like that!”

Yeah…about that…

Which “god” would that be? God? Jesus Christ? Jehovah? Mohammad? Allah? Dr. Seuss?

I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s religion…I just think sometimes we lose sight of the difference between religion and faith. I’m an agnostic…God forbid!...so I have faith, but I just don’t think any of the organized religions have it right. If your religion is what helps you get through your day…if it gives you the strength you need to help yourself and others through life’s hardships…then all power to ‘ya.

Where I have a serious problem is when religion is used to impose morality laws for everyone, as if one group’s faith is somehow better than someone else’s! I think that if you don’t want your kids watching porno then you turn off the television or the computer…you don’t try to shut down television stations or websites. If you’re against abortion because it’s “tampering with God’s plans” then you should also be against fertilization drugs. I mean, you always hear on the news after a couple has sprouted-out SEVEN kids in one shot that it was “God’s will” (though I’m sure the doctor and all of that medical equipment had something to do with it) but just try walking out of an abortion clinic and saying that!

But I’ll save the issue of religion for another time…

At the end of the day, we’re all entitled to a little peace, love and understanding. If committing yourself to another person in the eyes of the law and God is important to you, then do it. Who are any of us to judge others in that manner? If it comes down to a choice between being afraid of pissing off some “angry-Boogeyman-who-lives-in-the-sky-and-will-condemn-me-to-eternal- damnation-if-I-don’t-follow-his/her/its-rule” and spending my life with someone who I love and loves me for who I am, then it’s really no choice at all because the “god” I believe in loves us all…wants us to be kind and decent to one another…and (to quote the great poet Bono), “The God I believe in isn’t short of cash, mister!” See, you may not like the idea of same-sex couples getting married but it’s important to remember one thing…

It’s not all about you, is it?

* Just to give you a little insight into the scary place that is my brain…I actually spent 24 HOURS debating whether or not to spell out those words until I realized that, sadly, I was making my own point by even considering not printing them all.

And The Next Topic For Discussion Is...

Sorry for the delay, folks, but things have been pretty crazy around here as I'm trying to educate myself on the wonderful world of "blogging." I really want to turn this site into something...but I'm still working on the "something" part of it.

COMING SOON!!!

POST TOPIC: Gay Marriage

POST DATE:  Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Start working on your comments now...

RAY'S HANDY-DANDY TIME KILLER!

I hope everyone had a great Turkey Weekend, and didn't f-up their credit TOO bad on "Black Friday" or "Cyber Monday." By the way, I HATE cute little names like that. Having said that, I've thought of a new one that could catch on...

"I'll-Stab-Out-Your-Eyes-If-You-Give-Me-Another-F***ing-Piece-of-Turkey Monday"

It takes place the Monday after Thanskgiving, and it involves eating NOTHING that has to do with Thanksgiving (and that includes that damn Turkey a la King!).

But I digress...

I'm trying to get back in the swing of things around here, so there's gonna' be a much better post by the end of the week (I promise!). Until then, here's a little something that you might enjoy watching. It combines my love of professional wrestling (YEAH, I SAID IT!!) with my love of watching people get hurt in incredibly stupid ways. Believe me, you DON'T have to be a pro-wrestling fan to enjoy this:

THINGS I'LL MISS: Opus (2003-2008)

(c) Berkeley Breathed

I was ALWAYS a huge "Calvin and Hobbes" fan, but nothing could touch "Bloom County." At least there was "Outland"and then "Opus," but it looks like that's coming to an end.

Any TV show, movie series, book series, etc., out there that you miss? Send me a comment and let me know...

AUSGEZEICHNIT!

So What The Hell Are YOU Listening To?

Okay, maybe I'm no Casey Kasem* but I think my musical tastes have gotten better with age so for what it's worth here are a couple of songs getting serious rotation on my iPod"

KINGS OF LEON  "SEX ON FIRE"

The song BLEEDS sex throughout...and that's a good thing!

JACK'S MANNEQUIN  "THE RESOLUTION"

When you read-up on what this guy's been through, it gives the song a greater depth.

ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS  "GIVES YOU HELL"

FINALLY! A song where the GUY gets to tell the GIRL how much better he's doing without her and how much she should miss him! Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is change we can believe in...

...and I want to take a second and give special props to DJ PHNX, a friend and colleague of mine who does some AWESOME DJ'ing work for events and has put together a sweet website.  Take a look at it here.

So as the title of this post reads...SO WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?  Post a comment and make some recommendations for the rest of us.

AUSGEZEICHNIT!

*For those of you from "The Ryan Seacrest Generation," you can find out all about Casey Kasem here.  ZOINKS!!! SCOOB!!!

So What The Hell Is THIS All About?!?

You might be asking yourself, "Ray, why do I need to make '...BECAUSE COWS MAKE DELICIOUS!!!' such an important part of my life?  What makes your blog different from everyone else's?"

A couple of things to consider...

(1)  Why are you talking to yourself so much, and why is one of the voices in your head named, "Ray"?

(2)  Have you ever been annoyed watching some "talking head" on TV or reading their posts online and thought that you knew more than they did? Well, at "...BECAUSE COWS MAKE DELICIOUS!!!" you can be assured of that because I am a man of many opinions yet little fact.

Did you know that four Presidents of the United States of America had prosthetic hands?

No...not really...but do you see my point? I'm more than willing to make up facts to suit my argument.  Now isn't that level of openness and honesty refreshing?

(3)  No topics will be off-limits, though may be subject to my overall level of interest.  Religion, food, sex, race, pop culture...ALL fair game!

(4)  If you hate Bjork as much as I do...you may just want to set this as your home page.

(5)  I will try my best not to insult you...but I can make no promises.

So that's what I'm shooting for: a site where I can spew my venom to anyone interested in reading what I have to write and (hopefully) posting a response.  I promise to keep the updates pretty regular...all I'm asking is that you give it a chance.  Because with your faith and commitment, there's no reason that "...BECAUSE COWS MAKE DELICIOUS!!!" couldn't be a HUGE success!*

*...and by "huge success" I mean so big that I can sell it to Google or Microsoft at a disgustingly huge mark-up and spend the rest of my days on a beach with a Kamikaze in one hand and a stack of the week's newest comic books in the other. Ahhhh, a man can dream...